I’m Not Okay… and Somehow, I’m Still Okay: Grief, Grace, and the Promise of Heaven

My sister Cheryl is gone, and I am living inside a truth I never wanted to face. People keep asking how I’m doing, and all I can honestly say is this:

I’m not okay… and somehow, I’m still okay.

Or maybe; a softer truth; I’m doing the best I can.

These past days have felt unreal. I’ve missed exits while driving. Turned down familiar streets like they were strangers. Stared at places I know well as if I’d never seen them before. My mind has been fogged with grief; the kind every grief counselor describes but you never fully understand until you’re drowning in it.

A part of me is missing.

A piece of my story has been taken.

And yet; even here; God’s grace is carrying me.

The Song That Stopped Me in My Tracks

There is a song by Jordan G. Welch featuring Gene Moore called “Beatitudes.”

Something in it pierced me so deeply I’ve had to sit still, breathe, and sing through the tears.

It reminded me that the Beatitudes in Matthew 5:3–10 apply to me more now than ever:

I am not less blessed in my loss.

Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.

God puts things together for my good.

In every season; especially this one; God cares for me.

I am blessed. My life is not in vain. God knew what He was doing when He made you and me.

I cry almost every time I listen (even right before my sister passed).

I thought my sister would be here with me; celebrating my upcoming wins that our beloved Dad would miss.

I have been seeking God’s kingdom first since September 30, 1995. So why is loss coming this hard again? Why is it breaking my heart this deeply? (You will hear more about this in my next book.)

What I didn’t know was that this pain is not the end of the story.

If I am walking through this heartache again, it must mean heaven is real and God keeps His promises; the promise that sorrow is temporary and reunion is eternal.

It is the only way I am making it. It is the only reason I am still standing.

Grace Has Been My Survival

I haven’t kept my normal routines. I haven’t driven as scheduled. Some mornings I wake up unsure of how to take the next step. But grace has been enough; just like the Word says.

And the prayers of people who love us; family, friends, even strangers; have held me up when my own strength gave out.

My heart goes out to everyone grieving Cheryl’s passing… especially those whose loss is misunderstood, overlooked, or too heavy to explain.

We are all carrying something no one else can see.

Why I Still Released My First Book

I pressed through the heartache and released my first poetry book, The Quiet Cry Project Poems for the Weary & Grieving: How to Find Courage to Heal So You No Longer Stay Stuck in Sorrow in 5 Steps (Plus 4 Bonus Steps Inside).

I almost didn’t. But something in my spirit whispered:

If I stop now, grief wins. But if I write; even through tears; God can use it to help someone else breathe again.

This book was a test. A proof of strength I didn’t know I had. A reminder that purpose doesn’t disappear when life breaks open.

Next comes the book that tells my story; the deeper grief, the deeper healing, the moments God carried me when I had no words, only cries, prayers, and breath.

What Writing Is Teaching Me

The poetry in this project is not just expression; it is survival. It is obedience. It is God placing His pen in my trembling hand and saying:

“Write what hurts. Write what heals. Write what brings people back into My presence.”

Because there is healing there.

I am grieving. I am breaking. I am believing. I am writing. I am healing; slowly.

And somehow… by God’s grace,

I am still okay.